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Woman Who HealsThe Journey Continues.... March 22 Home from the JourneyI am grateful today that I had the willingness to be open-minded when my therapist suggested I go back to the trauma program in florida. I am still so skilled at shutting down that I really didn't "feel" like the shootings/deaths last August had turned my world inside out and was affecting everyone close to me...especially my husband. Actually after all of the work (writing, sharing, prayer and meditation) I had a flooding of awareness's regarding these past 9 months. I...and my life began changing when I was offered the job of managing the recovery apartment buildings and the 100 clients. Even after almost 14 years in recovery and all of the work on "family of origin"...there is still a wounded little girl deep inside. So when my husband made the comment "no one person could take on that responsibility"...what I heard was "you can't do it"!!!! And that's the moment I turned my husband into my father ;-( I was then driven to prove "him...my father" wrong. I began working 50 to 70 hours a week, not taking care of myself, dropped all prayer and meditation, quit going to meetings, quit calling my sponsor and friends in the program...total self-centeredness entered my life. Now mind you...not all at once or even on a conscious level...but little by little..day by day...my life began the downward spiral.
By the time the shooting happened I had three other previous clients die from the disease of addiction...and hadn't dealt/felt any of the grief. Then the shooting in late August brought about another "alter" to deal with the trauma...hence the car accident in September...because it really wasn't me driving...then surgery in October in which of course then came the pain medication. I never overtook the meds...but as a recovering addict my body doesn't know the difference between taking narcotics for pain or pleasure. The isolation and withdrawel from everyone and anything began. My marriage was suffering and I couldn't see my part in any of this. And then because I still hadn't dealt with anything....all of the emotions, feelings & pain...began manifesting itself physically in my body. Mind, body, spirit...all connected!!! And months before I left for florida the feelings of hopelessness & worthlessness invading my spirit....i no longer wanted to live. It is a miracle I am still clean today and living!!! I did a whole lot of internal work while I was there...felt a wide range of feelings...and was able to accomplish incorporating my "alters" so that we can work as a system. (For more understanding you can always check out the programs website - The Womens Institute of Incorporation Therapy at www.wiit.com ).
I am grateful to be home...grateful for all of the awareness and direction I received...and grateful to feel whole again....just for today. I am grateful for such a loving, supportive, patient husband who allowed me my journey...as painful as it was for both of us...without enabling me and also having the ability to continue to take care of himself throughout this process. Always when we come out of the other side of challenges in our marriage...it becomes stronger and I feel closer. I am grateful that I remain humble enough that after realizing everything....I was able to own my part and make amends to my husband...and that he loves "all of me" as difficult and challenging as that can be at times. We have planned a 9 day trip to Daytona Beach the end of April to celebrate our wedding anniversary of 8 years. I look forward to our time together alone without all of the demands of life. We are back talking, sharing, laughing, joking and it feels so right. I feel as if these past 9 months I was lost...which I did lose a lot of time where I don't remember days, weeks... old survival skills for the "alters"...who have protected me throughout my life. I know this might be confusing for some....but that's okay...i write this for me and my system...for healing and moving forward...to life!
Walk in Beauty March 01 The Journey Continues....It has been difficult to get by and post as of late. Life hits when we least expect it...or at least the aftermath of life's events. My life has been a roller coaster since the shooting last August, when one of my clients shot another client then took his own life and the victim died 4 days later, after bringing her back to life.
Mind, body and spirit...such an interconnective web. After the sudden weight loss, losing my hair, some unexplained rash...in which none of the doctors can explain any of it...my therapist and I..although she probably knew for some time....came to the realization that the trauma of last fall is deeply embedded and playing havoc with my system. I guess that's what re-occuring trauma can do to a trauma survivor....and I hate it. I'd rather have some medical reason for all of this...then once again uncover, discover and recover. Sounds silly I know...but at times I am tired of the work and how things continue to effect me different than others. Living with DID is challenging to say the least....trying to keep the "whole" system on the same page...which I really haven't been successful these past months. So in talking with my therapist and my husband today I have decided to go back for a "tune up" at a trauma program in Florida...that has always helped me when I am spiriling out of control. I will probably leave Monday so I won't be on here...again...for a few weeks.
Peace,
Denise February 16 Feeling betterAlthough the doctor's can't seem to find the reason for all of the health issues...I am beginning to feel better. My appetite is back and I can eat without pain...well to much pain that is. Been back at work all week trying to play catch up. It feels good to feel human!!! I still have another test on the 27th and some blood work results...but all in all I feel pretty good...emotionally and physically. It feels as if I have not been a part of life for awhile...like coming out of hibernation and trying to see/feel/learn what I have missed these past few months....with my family, friends, work, etc.
And I haven't enjoyed shopping for clothes for years...and now I'm loving it. I got rid of all sizes of clothes larger than what I am wearing....don't want to put those 50 pounds on again. Eating better and started using that brand new treadmill I have had for a year....i just HAD to have it ;-(
Well off to work...yes...it is very early...that's the one thing I haven't been doing well is sleeping....but it's okay...maybe I am catching up on my "awake" times
 ...god knows I have slept enough these past few months. I plan on visiting you all throughout the week-end to catch up on what's going on in your lives...till then...Walk in Beauty February 06 The Road to RecoveryI am beginning to feel better...as now I can eat. I went to see my brother in Lakewood, NY this week-end and it felt as if I ate more this week-end than the last 2 months combined Hopefully as I now catch up with work I will be able to check in more and catch up on how everyone is doing. Thanks to all of you for your love, support and concern. I have another test yet to take...will make that appt. this week and see 2 different doctors this week. I am feeling better though and that is good. Stay warm.....Denise January 31 Doctors...doctors..and more doctors ;-(A quick update....been in the ER 2 times in which they put me in the hospital both times in the last couple of weeks.
I think the doctors are stumped...as well as I. Things are continuing to point towards the pancreas. Where am I now?
Well they have given me enyzemes to take before eating anything...kind of a way to kick start the pancreas I guess.
They work really well...if you remember to take them BEFORE you eat!!! I've missed a few times..as I am not used to
doing this and boy do I pay for it. The hospital I was in is referring me to a doctor at the University of Michigan for yet another test. I guess there's only a few hospitals in our area with this testing equipment??? Anyways..it's much like
the endoscopy (camera down the throat) test..but this one also has an ultrasound on it and is capable of injecting some
dye into the pancreas to make sure there isn't any blockages. YIKES...just way too much.
On the bright side.....I can no longer shop at the "fat" lady store!!! I had to return a few gifts today as they were really big on me and one of the women in the store asked "what are you doing in this store"...so that did feel good.
I have gone from a size 20 (i will now reveal my previous size)...to a size 12 since October. Feels good...and really
opens the door to shop a whole new array of stores (as i did today)!!!
Some of this my doctor thinks...and I do believe it plays a part...is still from the trauma last Sept. with the shooting at the place I was working. I already live with PTSD and they believe this kicked it up a notch...at least the symptoms of PTSD. I too...believe that mind, body and spirit are all connected...so am working with that piece. I am going to see my (adopted) brother Thursday (lives in NY) and do some energy and other holistic healing work with him and a few friends. Hopefully get in a sweat lodge while I am there. The funny thing is with all these doctors I have seen these past few weeks...when I show them the blisters/rash on my hands and feet....they just look with amazement..and grunt "ummmm". So I'm not getting any answers in that area
I thank all of you for checking in....and miss "hearing" and "chatting" with you.
Walk in Beauty,
Denise
January 19 Test ResultsWell some of the tests results are in and my pancreas levels are elevated...explains weight loss and not being able to eat. I had a severe case of pancreatitis6 years ago and was in the hospital for about 4 months. The doc scheduled at CT scan for friday night...however during the night things have gotten worse and I am going into the ER per docs request. January 12 It's been awhile....It has been awhile since posting...geez...now that I look it's been since before Christmas. I would love to say that I have been so very busy with life....but actually life seems to have been busy with me and my health. Still not feeling really well and just got over 4 days of flu like symptoms. I do have an appointment with the Fibromyalgia specialist next week....first a fasting blood work up and then i will see her a few days later. I continue to lose weight (which i don't mind and have needed to do)...but I am not trying to lose any weight...i just don't have an appetite. My hair is falling out in mass porportions that I do my best in not even brushing, washing, touching it for fear my hands will be full of hair once again. I have some ungodly weird rash on my hands and feet which I have never had before and i am constantly fatiqued beyond reason. I am going to see my regular doctor tomarrow at my husbands insistance...however he has not been able to give me much help these past 4 months....but because of the flu thing and not eating or drinking anything...expect for a ton of popsicles these past 4 days...he wants me to go...so i will. The other doctor next week will have more answers as her blood work up includes everything under the sun....including your vitiman levels.
So I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!!
I did have a wonderful day with hubby last Saturday. He usually works on Saturdays but now will get 1 saturday off a month. So it was nice spending a full day together.....breakfast, shopping, movies, dinner...felt like we were on a date. We both enjoyed it so much as most of the time we are like ships passing through the night with all our individual and joint responisbilities...we rarely have just "us" time.
My youngest daughter who moved back home started college this week and she loves it!!! I am glad that she is doing this...which is why we invited her to move back so that she could work part time and go to school full time. She's going into nursing and is so excited to be in school.
I will try to get by this week to visit all of my new found friends...but I am wishing all of you a Very Happy New Year filled with blessings and love.
Walk in Beauty December 21 The Home Stretch.... Only a few more days of the hustle and bustle of preparations and then I can exhale
 . I always forget all the things I need to do to prepare for the holidays...not only for our Annual Open House on Christmas Eve...but then the responsibility of 12 other women and their plans for the holiday's. This is always such a busy week...which is how I plan it for them...but I am tired this morning and the fibro is kicking butt. We are now done baking the some 50 dozen cookies and they are packed and ready for giving this morning...but it was definetly a life altering event baking cookies with 12 women on Monday. Before we began we had a visit from a local credit union who had adopted us. They received the name of our agency through my mom's oldest friend (surrogate mom to me still). The generosity of the credit union was overwhelming...a TV, vacuum, new pots, pans, bakeware, food, household items, personal items...I could go on and on. The women and I were overwhelmed with gratitude.
After they left the process of baking began...who was doing this...who was going to do that...I want to do this...I want to do that....music blarring...women barking orders at other women...quick Denise...take control!!!!! After a little hectic beginning I had an assembly going and little groups of 2 or 3 working in seperate areas and things calmed down ...ok..well a little bit anyways
 . We did have one incident when the mixer caught on fire but we were quick in our actions and no one got hurt. I finally left for home around 11 pm...exhausted and covered from head to toe in flour...but grateful. Grateful to see the joy in the eyes of a woman who had spent the last 24 years on the streets...bake ..on her own..her 1st batch of cookies in her life...and the pride in her eyes as they came out of the oven and everyone tasted them and raved about how wonderful they were. That moment to me....was the spirit of Christmas! Today we will all put on our Santa hats and deliver some cookies...1st to the credit union that was so generous to us...then to some of the other agencies in the homeless coalition that assist us throughout the year. The women also now have homemade gifts to give out to friends and family.
I on the other hand still need to finish decorating, wrapping presents, do the grocery shopping, arrange the home and clean for the party and find some down time in the middle of all of that. I am not sleeping really well the last few nights as the pain from the fibro is increased making it difficult to get comfortable for any length of time.
However, on a positive note for me, I went shopping yesterday for a pair of jeans as I have lost a lot of weight (actually without trying) since August and figured I had gone down at least 1 size...but low and behold...I had gone from a size 20 to a 14
 OMG....i just couldn't believe it. It's been a long time since I've been at that size and it feels good! Now I just need to stay deligent and keep it off...and actually would like to lose another 20 pounds by summer. Well I got to run for now...need to make a thank you card for the credit union and then begin the errands of the day.
Happy Winter Solstice!!!! Walk in Beauty!!!!
December 14 Christmas Get to Know You
Got this from Cheryl’s site:Christmas Get to Know You1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate 2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Wraps 3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Colored and lots of them 4. Do you hang mistletoe? Yes
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Mashed Potatoes and Graving 7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Being with all my cousins 8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? What truth? You mean there isn’t a Santa? 9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yes….if I can talk my husband into it ;-) 10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Lots and lots of lights, and ornaments gathered from family and friends, children over the years…they all have a special memory behind them. 11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love looking at it when it first snows…trees all covered…
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? No 14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Being with my husband, children and close friends 15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Raspberry Bars 16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Decorating the tree with my family 17. What tops your tree? An angel 18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? I love to give 19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? I’ll be home for Christmas 20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yuck
December 11 Another layer.... And so we sit at dinner having simple conversation, yet nothing has been simple since right before the surgery. Peceptions have been off ...panic and anxiety have shown up at my door again like friends coming over in the morning for conversation. And who could forget the car accident right before the surgery...it was like "a child" driving...pulling out in front of someone...yet not realizing it until days later.
And my daughter states "she will see us Christmas afternoon"...she will be staying at her dad's all night. My reaction is that of a child...and try as I might to hide it....I can't....my face shows the hurt....the abandoment...the losses of a lifetime come rushing forth. It's more than her not being there....it's a lifetime...of "not being there" all rolled up into one that my mind can't separate any of it at this moment. And my husband who see's this holds my hand....a physical touch...to bring "me" back.
She leaves to use the restroom. "Someone" vents, "someone" crys, "someone" plays tough....I am switching all over the place. This is how it has been for months. But there seems to be something different these past few months. I don't recognize "someone". My daughter returns and we change the subject to lighten the mood....on the outside I pretend...but the inside is shut down and hurting. A memory appears...nothing horrible...but it haunts for me days. And then it all comes together one morning. There is someone new.....she's been trying to reveal herself for months. And I look back and things make sense like finding the last piece for a puzzle. And then I am off to therapy. My therapist can tell immediatly that I am dissociated. And I share with her the events of the last few weeks.
We put some thing together....somethings we don't. I am tired! I am tired of the process of healing! Does it ever end I ask? I thought I was done in the area of my "other personalities, my alters"? And now, another one. Yeah, yeah.....i know the psycho babble....great work...she must feel safe to reveal herself to you now, etc., etc., And I sit here and I write because it's part of my healing and yet I feel like a freak at times....different....broken.
And I wonder during this holiday season.....knowing my family...my abusers...will all be together...do they think of me? Do they ever think of what they did? Or does life just go on for them as usual...without a care in the world ...and I was left shattered to pick up the pieces of my life...my mind? Why do I feel like the outcast of this family? I am the outcast of the family...by my choice I know that....but the loss of the fantasy family...is still there.
I must focus on what I do have. A wonderful, supportive, loving husband....who stayed home from his bowling to put up the christmas tree for me tonight...so when I got home from work (late night) it was all done and lit up!!! This is a man who has been there for me throughout the healing process...no matter what. I have 2 beautiful grown daughters...one who helped him tonight. Today I have a family...a healthy family. I have broken those unhealthy chains that have been carried down in my family for generations.
And I will continue to peel back the layers of the onion...because that is what I am here to do...it is my path...my destiny. It is only in doing my own healing that I can help the women who come through my transitional home heal from their trauma. It is in sharing my experience, strength and hope with others...as it was shared with me....that we all heal...and change the world...one by one.
Walk in Beauty,
Woman Who Heals
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Oreo Cookies
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. The drive home was long and tiring....as NY and PA were hit hard with tons of snow. The usual drive is about 4 hours and it took nearly 9 hours to get home. Needless to say I was pretty stressed by that time.
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