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22 March Home from the JourneyI am grateful today that I had the willingness to be open-minded when my therapist suggested I go back to the trauma program in florida. I am still so skilled at shutting down that I really didn't "feel" like the shootings/deaths last August had turned my world inside out and was affecting everyone close to me...especially my husband. Actually after all of the work (writing, sharing, prayer and meditation) I had a flooding of awareness's regarding these past 9 months. I...and my life began changing when I was offered the job of managing the recovery apartment buildings and the 100 clients. Even after almost 14 years in recovery and all of the work on "family of origin"...there is still a wounded little girl deep inside. So when my husband made the comment "no one person could take on that responsibility"...what I heard was "you can't do it"!!!! And that's the moment I turned my husband into my father ;-( I was then driven to prove "him...my father" wrong. I began working 50 to 70 hours a week, not taking care of myself, dropped all prayer and meditation, quit going to meetings, quit calling my sponsor and friends in the program...total self-centeredness entered my life. Now mind you...not all at once or even on a conscious level...but little by little..day by day...my life began the downward spiral.
By the time the shooting happened I had three other previous clients die from the disease of addiction...and hadn't dealt/felt any of the grief. Then the shooting in late August brought about another "alter" to deal with the trauma...hence the car accident in September...because it really wasn't me driving...then surgery in October in which of course then came the pain medication. I never overtook the meds...but as a recovering addict my body doesn't know the difference between taking narcotics for pain or pleasure. The isolation and withdrawel from everyone and anything began. My marriage was suffering and I couldn't see my part in any of this. And then because I still hadn't dealt with anything....all of the emotions, feelings & pain...began manifesting itself physically in my body. Mind, body, spirit...all connected!!! And months before I left for florida the feelings of hopelessness & worthlessness invading my spirit....i no longer wanted to live. It is a miracle I am still clean today and living!!! I did a whole lot of internal work while I was there...felt a wide range of feelings...and was able to accomplish incorporating my "alters" so that we can work as a system. (For more understanding you can always check out the programs website - The Womens Institute of Incorporation Therapy at www.wiit.com ).
I am grateful to be home...grateful for all of the awareness and direction I received...and grateful to feel whole again....just for today. I am grateful for such a loving, supportive, patient husband who allowed me my journey...as painful as it was for both of us...without enabling me and also having the ability to continue to take care of himself throughout this process. Always when we come out of the other side of challenges in our marriage...it becomes stronger and I feel closer. I am grateful that I remain humble enough that after realizing everything....I was able to own my part and make amends to my husband...and that he loves "all of me" as difficult and challenging as that can be at times. We have planned a 9 day trip to Daytona Beach the end of April to celebrate our wedding anniversary of 8 years. I look forward to our time together alone without all of the demands of life. We are back talking, sharing, laughing, joking and it feels so right. I feel as if these past 9 months I was lost...which I did lose a lot of time where I don't remember days, weeks... old survival skills for the "alters"...who have protected me throughout my life. I know this might be confusing for some....but that's okay...i write this for me and my system...for healing and moving forward...to life!
Walk in Beauty 01 March The Journey Continues....It has been difficult to get by and post as of late. Life hits when we least expect it...or at least the aftermath of life's events. My life has been a roller coaster since the shooting last August, when one of my clients shot another client then took his own life and the victim died 4 days later, after bringing her back to life.
Mind, body and spirit...such an interconnective web. After the sudden weight loss, losing my hair, some unexplained rash...in which none of the doctors can explain any of it...my therapist and I..although she probably knew for some time....came to the realization that the trauma of last fall is deeply embedded and playing havoc with my system. I guess that's what re-occuring trauma can do to a trauma survivor....and I hate it. I'd rather have some medical reason for all of this...then once again uncover, discover and recover. Sounds silly I know...but at times I am tired of the work and how things continue to effect me different than others. Living with DID is challenging to say the least....trying to keep the "whole" system on the same page...which I really haven't been successful these past months. So in talking with my therapist and my husband today I have decided to go back for a "tune up" at a trauma program in Florida...that has always helped me when I am spiriling out of control. I will probably leave Monday so I won't be on here...again...for a few weeks.
Peace,
Denise 12 January It's been awhile....It has been awhile since posting...geez...now that I look it's been since before Christmas. I would love to say that I have been so very busy with life....but actually life seems to have been busy with me and my health. Still not feeling really well and just got over 4 days of flu like symptoms. I do have an appointment with the Fibromyalgia specialist next week....first a fasting blood work up and then i will see her a few days later. I continue to lose weight (which i don't mind and have needed to do)...but I am not trying to lose any weight...i just don't have an appetite. My hair is falling out in mass porportions that I do my best in not even brushing, washing, touching it for fear my hands will be full of hair once again. I have some ungodly weird rash on my hands and feet which I have never had before and i am constantly fatiqued beyond reason. I am going to see my regular doctor tomarrow at my husbands insistance...however he has not been able to give me much help these past 4 months....but because of the flu thing and not eating or drinking anything...expect for a ton of popsicles these past 4 days...he wants me to go...so i will. The other doctor next week will have more answers as her blood work up includes everything under the sun....including your vitiman levels.
So I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!!
I did have a wonderful day with hubby last Saturday. He usually works on Saturdays but now will get 1 saturday off a month. So it was nice spending a full day together.....breakfast, shopping, movies, dinner...felt like we were on a date. We both enjoyed it so much as most of the time we are like ships passing through the night with all our individual and joint responisbilities...we rarely have just "us" time.
My youngest daughter who moved back home started college this week and she loves it!!! I am glad that she is doing this...which is why we invited her to move back so that she could work part time and go to school full time. She's going into nursing and is so excited to be in school.
I will try to get by this week to visit all of my new found friends...but I am wishing all of you a Very Happy New Year filled with blessings and love.
Walk in Beauty 11 December Another layer.... And so we sit at dinner having simple conversation, yet nothing has been simple since right before the surgery. Peceptions have been off ...panic and anxiety have shown up at my door again like friends coming over in the morning for conversation. And who could forget the car accident right before the surgery...it was like "a child" driving...pulling out in front of someone...yet not realizing it until days later.
And my daughter states "she will see us Christmas afternoon"...she will be staying at her dad's all night. My reaction is that of a child...and try as I might to hide it....I can't....my face shows the hurt....the abandoment...the losses of a lifetime come rushing forth. It's more than her not being there....it's a lifetime...of "not being there" all rolled up into one that my mind can't separate any of it at this moment. And my husband who see's this holds my hand....a physical touch...to bring "me" back.
She leaves to use the restroom. "Someone" vents, "someone" crys, "someone" plays tough....I am switching all over the place. This is how it has been for months. But there seems to be something different these past few months. I don't recognize "someone". My daughter returns and we change the subject to lighten the mood....on the outside I pretend...but the inside is shut down and hurting. A memory appears...nothing horrible...but it haunts for me days. And then it all comes together one morning. There is someone new.....she's been trying to reveal herself for months. And I look back and things make sense like finding the last piece for a puzzle. And then I am off to therapy. My therapist can tell immediatly that I am dissociated. And I share with her the events of the last few weeks.
We put some thing together....somethings we don't. I am tired! I am tired of the process of healing! Does it ever end I ask? I thought I was done in the area of my "other personalities, my alters"? And now, another one. Yeah, yeah.....i know the psycho babble....great work...she must feel safe to reveal herself to you now, etc., etc., And I sit here and I write because it's part of my healing and yet I feel like a freak at times....different....broken.
And I wonder during this holiday season.....knowing my family...my abusers...will all be together...do they think of me? Do they ever think of what they did? Or does life just go on for them as usual...without a care in the world ...and I was left shattered to pick up the pieces of my life...my mind? Why do I feel like the outcast of this family? I am the outcast of the family...by my choice I know that....but the loss of the fantasy family...is still there.
I must focus on what I do have. A wonderful, supportive, loving husband....who stayed home from his bowling to put up the christmas tree for me tonight...so when I got home from work (late night) it was all done and lit up!!! This is a man who has been there for me throughout the healing process...no matter what. I have 2 beautiful grown daughters...one who helped him tonight. Today I have a family...a healthy family. I have broken those unhealthy chains that have been carried down in my family for generations.
And I will continue to peel back the layers of the onion...because that is what I am here to do...it is my path...my destiny. It is only in doing my own healing that I can help the women who come through my transitional home heal from their trauma. It is in sharing my experience, strength and hope with others...as it was shared with me....that we all heal...and change the world...one by one.
Walk in Beauty,
Woman Who Heals 27 November After the Holidays.... Monday night after the holidays and feeling in a strange space. Although the week-end was good in the fact that we got away and I got to see my brother and others in my spiritual family...my pain seems to be increasing which left me unable to participate in a lot of the ceremonies taking place this week-end. The upside, I guess, was that I was able to rest and see my family and friends!!!
I really wasn't looking forward to Monday, knowing that I had to give my (1) employee/friend a 2 week notice. Things just haven't worked out and I can no longer really afford or justify paying someone...now that I am no longer at the apartments...and me not drawing a paycheck. Yes, my codependency has kept me from doing this for the past month....well that and the fact that I really haven't been able to go back to work full time yet.
So getting ready this morning my anxiety was running high and I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin....which I am sure did not help my pain level. After getting to work I was just shaking and trembling and then the dissociation
 kicked in. Okay, Denise....just do it because not having the talk with her is causing you just way to much dis-ease!!! Well I got the nerve up...partly because I couldn't even focus on my work (which I have so many deadlines the next 2 weeks) and told her that I was giving her a 2 week notice....but geez...almost immediately I began making excuses to make her feel better....my "kids" were running the show...not me....this was not good. I was able to "switch" back into adult mode and answer her questions as to why...but still sugar-coating all the time. Damn, it was just last week I had found in a stack of papers on her desk the notification of a yearly grant thats deadline was pushed ahead 2 months and is now due next week. Had I not gone thru that stack of "stuff" I would have missed out on a grant that I get each year in the tune of 10,000....she never reported back after the housing meeting that the date had been changed and now I have less than 2 weeks to write this grant....which under normal circumstances wouldn't be too bad...but right now...it is overwhelming with my physical and emotional health. I feel as if I am rambling...but thats exactly how I am feeling inside at this time. I feel all over the map....and my perceptions seem pretty altered. I needed to go home early today as the panic and pain seemed to have taken it's toll on me by 2 pm.
Stay in the day, Denise.....maybe in the moment....breathe, journal, pray....tomarrow's another day. However this day didn't end any better. Dog pissed on the new carpet again...this is a new thing since daughter's cats have moved in....and then when husband came home....I didn't say hello first....just bitched about dog....his mood changed...asked what was wrong (3 times)...he's says nothing.....my perceptions/intuition tells me different....i ask one more time explaining I can feel his mood...he explains...i apologize and just ask that if something is wrong...PLEASE..just say what it is...and don't play head games and say nothing and then give me the silent treatment.....way triggering for me...feel like walking on egg shells and go right back to childhood (dissociate)...now here i am rambling away....so the journey continues...... Post-Thanksgiving GreetingsHappy Belated Thanksgiving to all....was gone over the holidays and away from the computer. One of the things I mentioned being grateful for during our holiday dinner was my new friends that I am meeting and getting to know here at "spaces".
Hope all of you had a wonderful holiday!!!!
Walk in Beauty,
Denise 19 November Sunday...the journey continuesSundays are my favorite day of the week. They are the do nothing or do anything you want kind of day ....or a little of both. My husband is usually gone Sunday mornings at his 12 step meeting and the house is mine...me, my coffee and paper...a few calls catching up with friends and of course that Sunday afternoon nap...my favorite part.
Today isn't any different...lounging around and taking the opportunity to visit and read the "spaces" of the new people that have come into my life as a result of me taking a risk. Risk...yes..sounds silly...what risk is there in writing to people you don't even know? Well in my younger years (when I was drinking and drugging ) I had that liquid "courage that released all inhibitions. Of course with that also came a lot of bullsh*t and I had no interest in finding out "who" I was or for that matter to do any type of "soul searching" work.
But that has long changed since coming into recovery over 13 years ago. My journey has been one of - not finding myself - but of creating myself. For years I thought it was about finding me...but after years of therapy and healing...I have come to the realization that there never was a "ME". So my journey these past few years has been in creating "ME"!!!! It has been an exciting journey...filled with mountains to climb and valleys to walk through. This past year has been focused on healing from and creating the "spiritual me". Letting go of the dogma of my childhood hasn't been as easy as I thought...that part was so ingrained as if I had been brainwashed. And even after all these years of following a spiritual path that works for me....i still hear the voices of childhood calling me back....having me questioning myself and my journey.
I am grateful for those who walk the red road with me and lift me up and at times carry me through the challenges of the past (two of my abusers were priests).
I no longer believe in coincidences...that those brought into my life today are done so with a higher purpose in mind (whether at that time either one of us are aware of it).
And so one night a few weeks ago i came across this website "live spaces" and thought...how silly. My daughters (26 & 22) both do the "My Space" thing and I thought...this is just one of those sites for younger people. But a few days later I "mistakenly" landed back at "live spaces". So I thought...well it would be fun...because I am so bored not being able to do much since the surgery" to just make a web page.
And now within a few short weeks I have begun meeting men and women who share my story...relate to the process of "creating self". strangers who have come forward with such loving and supportive words. You would think that one who has received such loving support would then find it easier to post...but for me I find it scarier....even with those I probably will never meet in person.
Why is that I ask within? I still find it so hard to "feel" needy...or to ask for help...but at this part in my journey...it is exactly what I need.....and I have prayed for that....and my prayers have been answered (i never thought i would have found it online) and now i feel like running. But I won't....at least not today. And as I write....my head is full of those old negative "abuser values" telling me that those that read this (of course nobody will) will think...who is this nutcase?
I look forward to this coming week-end to go visit my adopted medicine brother in Lakewood, New York and be with my spiritual family. My spirit needs to connect with them and with ceremony....i look forward to the sweat lodges, the drumming and singing and just being with my "family of choice".
Until then...I will contine journaling and taking risks...reaching out...reading your sites in which I gain so much wisdom and inspiration because I can identify so much. Thanks for welcoming me here...thanks for being you....
Love and Light,
Denise
"Woman who heals herself...helps others heal" |
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