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22 March Home from the JourneyI am grateful today that I had the willingness to be open-minded when my therapist suggested I go back to the trauma program in florida. I am still so skilled at shutting down that I really didn't "feel" like the shootings/deaths last August had turned my world inside out and was affecting everyone close to me...especially my husband. Actually after all of the work (writing, sharing, prayer and meditation) I had a flooding of awareness's regarding these past 9 months. I...and my life began changing when I was offered the job of managing the recovery apartment buildings and the 100 clients. Even after almost 14 years in recovery and all of the work on "family of origin"...there is still a wounded little girl deep inside. So when my husband made the comment "no one person could take on that responsibility"...what I heard was "you can't do it"!!!! And that's the moment I turned my husband into my father ;-( I was then driven to prove "him...my father" wrong. I began working 50 to 70 hours a week, not taking care of myself, dropped all prayer and meditation, quit going to meetings, quit calling my sponsor and friends in the program...total self-centeredness entered my life. Now mind you...not all at once or even on a conscious level...but little by little..day by day...my life began the downward spiral.
By the time the shooting happened I had three other previous clients die from the disease of addiction...and hadn't dealt/felt any of the grief. Then the shooting in late August brought about another "alter" to deal with the trauma...hence the car accident in September...because it really wasn't me driving...then surgery in October in which of course then came the pain medication. I never overtook the meds...but as a recovering addict my body doesn't know the difference between taking narcotics for pain or pleasure. The isolation and withdrawel from everyone and anything began. My marriage was suffering and I couldn't see my part in any of this. And then because I still hadn't dealt with anything....all of the emotions, feelings & pain...began manifesting itself physically in my body. Mind, body, spirit...all connected!!! And months before I left for florida the feelings of hopelessness & worthlessness invading my spirit....i no longer wanted to live. It is a miracle I am still clean today and living!!! I did a whole lot of internal work while I was there...felt a wide range of feelings...and was able to accomplish incorporating my "alters" so that we can work as a system. (For more understanding you can always check out the programs website - The Womens Institute of Incorporation Therapy at www.wiit.com ).
I am grateful to be home...grateful for all of the awareness and direction I received...and grateful to feel whole again....just for today. I am grateful for such a loving, supportive, patient husband who allowed me my journey...as painful as it was for both of us...without enabling me and also having the ability to continue to take care of himself throughout this process. Always when we come out of the other side of challenges in our marriage...it becomes stronger and I feel closer. I am grateful that I remain humble enough that after realizing everything....I was able to own my part and make amends to my husband...and that he loves "all of me" as difficult and challenging as that can be at times. We have planned a 9 day trip to Daytona Beach the end of April to celebrate our wedding anniversary of 8 years. I look forward to our time together alone without all of the demands of life. We are back talking, sharing, laughing, joking and it feels so right. I feel as if these past 9 months I was lost...which I did lose a lot of time where I don't remember days, weeks... old survival skills for the "alters"...who have protected me throughout my life. I know this might be confusing for some....but that's okay...i write this for me and my system...for healing and moving forward...to life!
Walk in Beauty 01 March The Journey Continues....It has been difficult to get by and post as of late. Life hits when we least expect it...or at least the aftermath of life's events. My life has been a roller coaster since the shooting last August, when one of my clients shot another client then took his own life and the victim died 4 days later, after bringing her back to life.
Mind, body and spirit...such an interconnective web. After the sudden weight loss, losing my hair, some unexplained rash...in which none of the doctors can explain any of it...my therapist and I..although she probably knew for some time....came to the realization that the trauma of last fall is deeply embedded and playing havoc with my system. I guess that's what re-occuring trauma can do to a trauma survivor....and I hate it. I'd rather have some medical reason for all of this...then once again uncover, discover and recover. Sounds silly I know...but at times I am tired of the work and how things continue to effect me different than others. Living with DID is challenging to say the least....trying to keep the "whole" system on the same page...which I really haven't been successful these past months. So in talking with my therapist and my husband today I have decided to go back for a "tune up" at a trauma program in Florida...that has always helped me when I am spiriling out of control. I will probably leave Monday so I won't be on here...again...for a few weeks.
Peace,
Denise 16 February Feeling betterAlthough the doctor's can't seem to find the reason for all of the health issues...I am beginning to feel better. My appetite is back and I can eat without pain...well to much pain that is. Been back at work all week trying to play catch up. It feels good to feel human!!! I still have another test on the 27th and some blood work results...but all in all I feel pretty good...emotionally and physically. It feels as if I have not been a part of life for awhile...like coming out of hibernation and trying to see/feel/learn what I have missed these past few months....with my family, friends, work, etc.
And I haven't enjoyed shopping for clothes for years...and now I'm loving it. I got rid of all sizes of clothes larger than what I am wearing....don't want to put those 50 pounds on again. Eating better and started using that brand new treadmill I have had for a year....i just HAD to have it ;-(
Well off to work...yes...it is very early...that's the one thing I haven't been doing well is sleeping....but it's okay...maybe I am catching up on my "awake" times
 ...god knows I have slept enough these past few months. I plan on visiting you all throughout the week-end to catch up on what's going on in your lives...till then...Walk in Beauty 06 February The Road to RecoveryI am beginning to feel better...as now I can eat. I went to see my brother in Lakewood, NY this week-end and it felt as if I ate more this week-end than the last 2 months combined Hopefully as I now catch up with work I will be able to check in more and catch up on how everyone is doing. Thanks to all of you for your love, support and concern. I have another test yet to take...will make that appt. this week and see 2 different doctors this week. I am feeling better though and that is good. Stay warm.....Denise 31 January Doctors...doctors..and more doctors ;-(A quick update....been in the ER 2 times in which they put me in the hospital both times in the last couple of weeks.
I think the doctors are stumped...as well as I. Things are continuing to point towards the pancreas. Where am I now?
Well they have given me enyzemes to take before eating anything...kind of a way to kick start the pancreas I guess.
They work really well...if you remember to take them BEFORE you eat!!! I've missed a few times..as I am not used to
doing this and boy do I pay for it. The hospital I was in is referring me to a doctor at the University of Michigan for yet another test. I guess there's only a few hospitals in our area with this testing equipment??? Anyways..it's much like
the endoscopy (camera down the throat) test..but this one also has an ultrasound on it and is capable of injecting some
dye into the pancreas to make sure there isn't any blockages. YIKES...just way too much.
On the bright side.....I can no longer shop at the "fat" lady store!!! I had to return a few gifts today as they were really big on me and one of the women in the store asked "what are you doing in this store"...so that did feel good.
I have gone from a size 20 (i will now reveal my previous size)...to a size 12 since October. Feels good...and really
opens the door to shop a whole new array of stores (as i did today)!!!
Some of this my doctor thinks...and I do believe it plays a part...is still from the trauma last Sept. with the shooting at the place I was working. I already live with PTSD and they believe this kicked it up a notch...at least the symptoms of PTSD. I too...believe that mind, body and spirit are all connected...so am working with that piece. I am going to see my (adopted) brother Thursday (lives in NY) and do some energy and other holistic healing work with him and a few friends. Hopefully get in a sweat lodge while I am there. The funny thing is with all these doctors I have seen these past few weeks...when I show them the blisters/rash on my hands and feet....they just look with amazement..and grunt "ummmm". So I'm not getting any answers in that area
I thank all of you for checking in....and miss "hearing" and "chatting" with you.
Walk in Beauty,
Denise
19 January Test ResultsWell some of the tests results are in and my pancreas levels are elevated...explains weight loss and not being able to eat. I had a severe case of pancreatitis6 years ago and was in the hospital for about 4 months. The doc scheduled at CT scan for friday night...however during the night things have gotten worse and I am going into the ER per docs request. 12 January It's been awhile....It has been awhile since posting...geez...now that I look it's been since before Christmas. I would love to say that I have been so very busy with life....but actually life seems to have been busy with me and my health. Still not feeling really well and just got over 4 days of flu like symptoms. I do have an appointment with the Fibromyalgia specialist next week....first a fasting blood work up and then i will see her a few days later. I continue to lose weight (which i don't mind and have needed to do)...but I am not trying to lose any weight...i just don't have an appetite. My hair is falling out in mass porportions that I do my best in not even brushing, washing, touching it for fear my hands will be full of hair once again. I have some ungodly weird rash on my hands and feet which I have never had before and i am constantly fatiqued beyond reason. I am going to see my regular doctor tomarrow at my husbands insistance...however he has not been able to give me much help these past 4 months....but because of the flu thing and not eating or drinking anything...expect for a ton of popsicles these past 4 days...he wants me to go...so i will. The other doctor next week will have more answers as her blood work up includes everything under the sun....including your vitiman levels.
So I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!!
I did have a wonderful day with hubby last Saturday. He usually works on Saturdays but now will get 1 saturday off a month. So it was nice spending a full day together.....breakfast, shopping, movies, dinner...felt like we were on a date. We both enjoyed it so much as most of the time we are like ships passing through the night with all our individual and joint responisbilities...we rarely have just "us" time.
My youngest daughter who moved back home started college this week and she loves it!!! I am glad that she is doing this...which is why we invited her to move back so that she could work part time and go to school full time. She's going into nursing and is so excited to be in school.
I will try to get by this week to visit all of my new found friends...but I am wishing all of you a Very Happy New Year filled with blessings and love.
Walk in Beauty 21 December The Home Stretch.... Only a few more days of the hustle and bustle of preparations and then I can exhale
 . I always forget all the things I need to do to prepare for the holidays...not only for our Annual Open House on Christmas Eve...but then the responsibility of 12 other women and their plans for the holiday's. This is always such a busy week...which is how I plan it for them...but I am tired this morning and the fibro is kicking butt. We are now done baking the some 50 dozen cookies and they are packed and ready for giving this morning...but it was definetly a life altering event baking cookies with 12 women on Monday. Before we began we had a visit from a local credit union who had adopted us. They received the name of our agency through my mom's oldest friend (surrogate mom to me still). The generosity of the credit union was overwhelming...a TV, vacuum, new pots, pans, bakeware, food, household items, personal items...I could go on and on. The women and I were overwhelmed with gratitude.
After they left the process of baking began...who was doing this...who was going to do that...I want to do this...I want to do that....music blarring...women barking orders at other women...quick Denise...take control!!!!! After a little hectic beginning I had an assembly going and little groups of 2 or 3 working in seperate areas and things calmed down ...ok..well a little bit anyways
 . We did have one incident when the mixer caught on fire but we were quick in our actions and no one got hurt. I finally left for home around 11 pm...exhausted and covered from head to toe in flour...but grateful. Grateful to see the joy in the eyes of a woman who had spent the last 24 years on the streets...bake ..on her own..her 1st batch of cookies in her life...and the pride in her eyes as they came out of the oven and everyone tasted them and raved about how wonderful they were. That moment to me....was the spirit of Christmas! Today we will all put on our Santa hats and deliver some cookies...1st to the credit union that was so generous to us...then to some of the other agencies in the homeless coalition that assist us throughout the year. The women also now have homemade gifts to give out to friends and family.
I on the other hand still need to finish decorating, wrapping presents, do the grocery shopping, arrange the home and clean for the party and find some down time in the middle of all of that. I am not sleeping really well the last few nights as the pain from the fibro is increased making it difficult to get comfortable for any length of time.
However, on a positive note for me, I went shopping yesterday for a pair of jeans as I have lost a lot of weight (actually without trying) since August and figured I had gone down at least 1 size...but low and behold...I had gone from a size 20 to a 14
 OMG....i just couldn't believe it. It's been a long time since I've been at that size and it feels good! Now I just need to stay deligent and keep it off...and actually would like to lose another 20 pounds by summer. Well I got to run for now...need to make a thank you card for the credit union and then begin the errands of the day.
Happy Winter Solstice!!!! Walk in Beauty!!!!
14 December Christmas Get to Know You
Got this from Cheryl’s site:Christmas Get to Know You1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate 2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Wraps 3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Colored and lots of them 4. Do you hang mistletoe? Yes
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Mashed Potatoes and Graving 7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Being with all my cousins 8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? What truth? You mean there isn’t a Santa? 9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yes….if I can talk my husband into it ;-) 10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Lots and lots of lights, and ornaments gathered from family and friends, children over the years…they all have a special memory behind them. 11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love looking at it when it first snows…trees all covered…
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? No 14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Being with my husband, children and close friends 15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Raspberry Bars 16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Decorating the tree with my family 17. What tops your tree? An angel 18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? I love to give 19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? I’ll be home for Christmas 20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yuck
11 December Another layer.... And so we sit at dinner having simple conversation, yet nothing has been simple since right before the surgery. Peceptions have been off ...panic and anxiety have shown up at my door again like friends coming over in the morning for conversation. And who could forget the car accident right before the surgery...it was like "a child" driving...pulling out in front of someone...yet not realizing it until days later.
And my daughter states "she will see us Christmas afternoon"...she will be staying at her dad's all night. My reaction is that of a child...and try as I might to hide it....I can't....my face shows the hurt....the abandoment...the losses of a lifetime come rushing forth. It's more than her not being there....it's a lifetime...of "not being there" all rolled up into one that my mind can't separate any of it at this moment. And my husband who see's this holds my hand....a physical touch...to bring "me" back.
She leaves to use the restroom. "Someone" vents, "someone" crys, "someone" plays tough....I am switching all over the place. This is how it has been for months. But there seems to be something different these past few months. I don't recognize "someone". My daughter returns and we change the subject to lighten the mood....on the outside I pretend...but the inside is shut down and hurting. A memory appears...nothing horrible...but it haunts for me days. And then it all comes together one morning. There is someone new.....she's been trying to reveal herself for months. And I look back and things make sense like finding the last piece for a puzzle. And then I am off to therapy. My therapist can tell immediatly that I am dissociated. And I share with her the events of the last few weeks.
We put some thing together....somethings we don't. I am tired! I am tired of the process of healing! Does it ever end I ask? I thought I was done in the area of my "other personalities, my alters"? And now, another one. Yeah, yeah.....i know the psycho babble....great work...she must feel safe to reveal herself to you now, etc., etc., And I sit here and I write because it's part of my healing and yet I feel like a freak at times....different....broken.
And I wonder during this holiday season.....knowing my family...my abusers...will all be together...do they think of me? Do they ever think of what they did? Or does life just go on for them as usual...without a care in the world ...and I was left shattered to pick up the pieces of my life...my mind? Why do I feel like the outcast of this family? I am the outcast of the family...by my choice I know that....but the loss of the fantasy family...is still there.
I must focus on what I do have. A wonderful, supportive, loving husband....who stayed home from his bowling to put up the christmas tree for me tonight...so when I got home from work (late night) it was all done and lit up!!! This is a man who has been there for me throughout the healing process...no matter what. I have 2 beautiful grown daughters...one who helped him tonight. Today I have a family...a healthy family. I have broken those unhealthy chains that have been carried down in my family for generations.
And I will continue to peel back the layers of the onion...because that is what I am here to do...it is my path...my destiny. It is only in doing my own healing that I can help the women who come through my transitional home heal from their trauma. It is in sharing my experience, strength and hope with others...as it was shared with me....that we all heal...and change the world...one by one.
Walk in Beauty,
Woman Who Heals 06 December A Silent NightDear Friend, May the peace that passes all understanding embrace you and sustain you as you enjoy the music and the message of ...
Let us join together now, whatever the holiday celebration – Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year's – in achieving World Peace in our lifetimes, by forwarding this movie on to those you care about. Heavenly Peace be mine ... in Light & Greatest Love throughout the season, Denise (Woman who Heals) 27 November After the Holidays.... Monday night after the holidays and feeling in a strange space. Although the week-end was good in the fact that we got away and I got to see my brother and others in my spiritual family...my pain seems to be increasing which left me unable to participate in a lot of the ceremonies taking place this week-end. The upside, I guess, was that I was able to rest and see my family and friends!!!
I really wasn't looking forward to Monday, knowing that I had to give my (1) employee/friend a 2 week notice. Things just haven't worked out and I can no longer really afford or justify paying someone...now that I am no longer at the apartments...and me not drawing a paycheck. Yes, my codependency has kept me from doing this for the past month....well that and the fact that I really haven't been able to go back to work full time yet.
So getting ready this morning my anxiety was running high and I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin....which I am sure did not help my pain level. After getting to work I was just shaking and trembling and then the dissociation
 kicked in. Okay, Denise....just do it because not having the talk with her is causing you just way to much dis-ease!!! Well I got the nerve up...partly because I couldn't even focus on my work (which I have so many deadlines the next 2 weeks) and told her that I was giving her a 2 week notice....but geez...almost immediately I began making excuses to make her feel better....my "kids" were running the show...not me....this was not good. I was able to "switch" back into adult mode and answer her questions as to why...but still sugar-coating all the time. Damn, it was just last week I had found in a stack of papers on her desk the notification of a yearly grant thats deadline was pushed ahead 2 months and is now due next week. Had I not gone thru that stack of "stuff" I would have missed out on a grant that I get each year in the tune of 10,000....she never reported back after the housing meeting that the date had been changed and now I have less than 2 weeks to write this grant....which under normal circumstances wouldn't be too bad...but right now...it is overwhelming with my physical and emotional health. I feel as if I am rambling...but thats exactly how I am feeling inside at this time. I feel all over the map....and my perceptions seem pretty altered. I needed to go home early today as the panic and pain seemed to have taken it's toll on me by 2 pm.
Stay in the day, Denise.....maybe in the moment....breathe, journal, pray....tomarrow's another day. However this day didn't end any better. Dog pissed on the new carpet again...this is a new thing since daughter's cats have moved in....and then when husband came home....I didn't say hello first....just bitched about dog....his mood changed...asked what was wrong (3 times)...he's says nothing.....my perceptions/intuition tells me different....i ask one more time explaining I can feel his mood...he explains...i apologize and just ask that if something is wrong...PLEASE..just say what it is...and don't play head games and say nothing and then give me the silent treatment.....way triggering for me...feel like walking on egg shells and go right back to childhood (dissociate)...now here i am rambling away....so the journey continues...... Post-Thanksgiving GreetingsHappy Belated Thanksgiving to all....was gone over the holidays and away from the computer. One of the things I mentioned being grateful for during our holiday dinner was my new friends that I am meeting and getting to know here at "spaces".
Hope all of you had a wonderful holiday!!!!
Walk in Beauty,
Denise 19 November Sunday...the journey continuesSundays are my favorite day of the week. They are the do nothing or do anything you want kind of day ....or a little of both. My husband is usually gone Sunday mornings at his 12 step meeting and the house is mine...me, my coffee and paper...a few calls catching up with friends and of course that Sunday afternoon nap...my favorite part.
Today isn't any different...lounging around and taking the opportunity to visit and read the "spaces" of the new people that have come into my life as a result of me taking a risk. Risk...yes..sounds silly...what risk is there in writing to people you don't even know? Well in my younger years (when I was drinking and drugging ) I had that liquid "courage that released all inhibitions. Of course with that also came a lot of bullsh*t and I had no interest in finding out "who" I was or for that matter to do any type of "soul searching" work.
But that has long changed since coming into recovery over 13 years ago. My journey has been one of - not finding myself - but of creating myself. For years I thought it was about finding me...but after years of therapy and healing...I have come to the realization that there never was a "ME". So my journey these past few years has been in creating "ME"!!!! It has been an exciting journey...filled with mountains to climb and valleys to walk through. This past year has been focused on healing from and creating the "spiritual me". Letting go of the dogma of my childhood hasn't been as easy as I thought...that part was so ingrained as if I had been brainwashed. And even after all these years of following a spiritual path that works for me....i still hear the voices of childhood calling me back....having me questioning myself and my journey.
I am grateful for those who walk the red road with me and lift me up and at times carry me through the challenges of the past (two of my abusers were priests).
I no longer believe in coincidences...that those brought into my life today are done so with a higher purpose in mind (whether at that time either one of us are aware of it).
And so one night a few weeks ago i came across this website "live spaces" and thought...how silly. My daughters (26 & 22) both do the "My Space" thing and I thought...this is just one of those sites for younger people. But a few days later I "mistakenly" landed back at "live spaces". So I thought...well it would be fun...because I am so bored not being able to do much since the surgery" to just make a web page.
And now within a few short weeks I have begun meeting men and women who share my story...relate to the process of "creating self". strangers who have come forward with such loving and supportive words. You would think that one who has received such loving support would then find it easier to post...but for me I find it scarier....even with those I probably will never meet in person.
Why is that I ask within? I still find it so hard to "feel" needy...or to ask for help...but at this part in my journey...it is exactly what I need.....and I have prayed for that....and my prayers have been answered (i never thought i would have found it online) and now i feel like running. But I won't....at least not today. And as I write....my head is full of those old negative "abuser values" telling me that those that read this (of course nobody will) will think...who is this nutcase?
I look forward to this coming week-end to go visit my adopted medicine brother in Lakewood, New York and be with my spiritual family. My spirit needs to connect with them and with ceremony....i look forward to the sweat lodges, the drumming and singing and just being with my "family of choice".
Until then...I will contine journaling and taking risks...reaching out...reading your sites in which I gain so much wisdom and inspiration because I can identify so much. Thanks for welcoming me here...thanks for being you....
Love and Light,
Denise
"Woman who heals herself...helps others heal" 12 November Life...the journey continesIt seems that the last 6 weeks...since the surgery...have all been just one long day...with a few pauses to participate in life. As with any surgery I have had...whether it be just the surgery, the medication, the trauma "we" feel....I seem to always land into the dark abyss of depression. Knowing this..I planned accordingly this year...to have friends around that first week. But the depression took over.
Maybe it's because it's a time of just being with me...and some of life on life's terms this past August were tragic...and I never gave or allowed myself to feel. I know how to go through tragedy...on auto-pilot...without skipping a beat. One of my "alters" takes over during times of stress and I continue on. Once home after the surgery with just "me" time...the memories of the tragic day in August hit me hard. There was a shooting at the recovery center apartments I managed..and a male client (early in recovery) shot one of my female clients 3 times then took his own life a while later. The vision of her lying on the ground as I performed mouth to mouth resisitation are still etched in my mind. Holding her and telling her she would be okay. What had happened? I had just spent 20 minutes with the man who shot her...we laughed and joked around...talking about his plans for the future. And then no sooner than I left and went into my office he shot at her 5 times hitting her 3 and then took off. I knew in the pit of my stomach that he would then take his own life in which he did. I didn't have to react...I had 80 other clients to attend to plus my staff, the TV crews...or newshounds with no respect....and then the responsibility of trying to notify both families. The next 4 days were a blur...how do you tell a mother her daughter has been shot...or a sister that her brother shot a woman and took her own life? How do you make sense out of nonsense? I spent the next 3 days at the hospital with her family or at the apartments with the clients doing my best to comfort, console..or just listen. In my own need for clarity I drove 5 hours to my adopted medicine brothers home in the middle of the night to be present on that saturday for 3 sweat lodges. I allowed myself to be comforted by my spiritual family...which is still difficult for me to do. I left Sunday morning around 5 am..only to get a call at 7 am that Tanya died! Once again i went on auto-pilot to finish the 3 hours home.
Just weeks before another client died of an overdose after moving out of another home I own. Three clients gone within weeks!!!! And yet I was numb....emotionally shut down.
Everything seemed to hit me after the surgery! I returned to the apartments after a couple of weeks only to find out my partner (that I had planned merging with in Dec) who was always a silent partner had made decisions going against one's already discussed and approved...and that "he just didn't have the money" to pay me for my time off. Another life change....I left the apartment recovery center....and went back to the agency I had founded many years ago. It was a good decision. I'd rather be working one on one with women than micro-managing and putting out fires all day. However...after this move...I retreated to my home and stayed within the security of my bed for 3 weeks. Not answering the phone, not eating, not showering....nothing!!! Having DID....it seemed everyone was out of control and not working as a team. It seemed like I would never get out of this dark hole.
I have started to climb out...went to work 3 times last week and have stayed out of bed.
Why am I sharing all of this? Well I'm not exactly sure...except I need to move on and I need support. Life on life's terms lately have brought many challenges other than what I have shared. My youngest daughter, once again, had to have cells removed from her cervix...that is 5 times in the last year...she has also just moved back home and that is quite an adjustment to my husband and I. Both her and her older sister are moving towards full blown addiction...which worries me...as I know all to well where that will take someone. But I am powerless over them, over life events, over other people and at times even myself.
My brother came into town last week-end and poured a lodge and we are going there for the Thanksgiving week-end...which I am so looking forward to.
The pain has come back these past few days from the surgery....which has had me take narcotics again. I am so rambling.....forgive me....but there are "parts" of me that just feel lost and confused. Like all the life has been sucked out of me...and I am really not sure what to do....so I am writing...I am taking a risk....not because someone might read it...because when I write...it seems to become real.
Well it's late and I should attempt to get some sleep.
Walk in Beauty 04 October Day 2 after surgeryLess than 48 hours after surgery and I am home...actually came home just after 26 hours which was 2 days earlier than planned. I guess they thought I was doing good enough to come home. Home is good, except for the sleeping part as they want me sleeping at a 30 % angle for my head....needless to say the only place to get that is to slepp in my recliner which isn't the most comfortable. But things seem to being going well. The numbness in my 3 fingers on my right hand are coming back...which is actually making it more chanllenging in typing...i guess i will work with that for awhile and the surgeon stated he was glad he did the surgery as there was a whole lot more damage in my neck and spine than showed up on the MRI.
Well getting sleeping from the meds...will check in later.
love and light,
denise 27 September Preparing for SurgeryThe preparation emotionally for surgery on Oct. 2nd has been enough without having had been rear-ended last week causing even greater pain this week before surgery and trying to manage the pain in a safe way...seeing I am in recovery. My husband ended up taking me to ER last night as the pain became unbearable and having to have medication to control the back spasms and pain as brought about a variety of feelings and emotions. It however was interesting listening to the young woman in the next curtain as she so blantenly was "drug seeking" and her doctor was so attuned to this. Reminded me of the days where hospital jumping was a way to get and find ways to use more drugs. I am thankful those days are gone and my addiction hasn't ruled my life in over 13 years. However, I have great respect for my disease and having to take medication last night and then today is a concern. I am grateful for my sponsor and my supports whom I am able to be open and honest and they love and are supporting me through this challenging time right now. 24 September Wild Horses on Rose Bud Reservation Nothing could have prepared me for this life altering spiritual awakening my friend, Pat and I experienced in South Dakota. The pictures in my photo album of the Wild Horses, are actually "wild horses" that we befriended in our recent visit. We were told the horses were "wild" when we asked about going to visit with them...
 "good luck" getting any where near them. With apples and sugar in hand we went in search of the horses. We found them not to far from their feeding area. Pat, being a natural with horses, taught me the best way in approaching them. At first we just watched in awe of their beauty!!! Then we extended a hand...with apple & sugar..of course....and waited. Eventually the "boss" whom we named Jake...slowly approached and ate from my hand...well after tasting the sweet apple covered in sugar...he was my friend. The other horses followed suit of Jake...but of course Jake wanted and got the most. Each morning we visited our new friends. The pictures of the horses by our truck our after a few days with our new friends...as you can see...they became very good friends with us.
It was sad to leave our new friends but we will return next August with apples and sugar in hand.
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. The drive home was long and tiring....as NY and PA were hit hard with tons of snow. The usual drive is about 4 hours and it took nearly 9 hours to get home. Needless to say I was pretty stressed by that time.
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