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22 March

I am grateful today that I had the willingness to be open-minded when my therapist suggested I go back to the trauma program in florida. I am still so skilled at shutting down that I really didn't "feel" like the shootings/deaths last August had turned my world inside out and was affecting everyone close to me...especially my husband. Actually after all of the work (writing, sharing, prayer and meditation) I had a flooding of awareness's regarding these past 9 months. I...and my life began changing when I was offered the job of managing the recovery apartment buildings and the 100 clients. Even after almost 14 years in recovery and all of the work on "family of origin"...there is still a wounded little girl deep inside. So when my husband made the comment "no one person could take on that responsibility"...what I heard was "you can't do it"!!!! And that's the moment I turned my husband into my father ;-( I was then driven to prove "him...my father" wrong. I began working 50 to 70 hours a week, not taking care of myself, dropped all prayer and meditation, quit going to meetings, quit calling my sponsor and friends in the program...total self-centeredness entered my life. Now mind you...not all at once or even on a conscious level...but little by little..day by day...my life began the downward spiral.

By the time the shooting happened I had three other previous clients die from the disease of addiction...and hadn't dealt/felt any of the grief. Then the shooting in late August brought about another "alter" to deal with the trauma...hence the car accident in September...because it really wasn't me driving...then surgery in October in which of course then came the pain medication. I never overtook the meds...but as a recovering addict my body doesn't know the difference between taking narcotics for pain or pleasure. The isolation and withdrawel from everyone and anything began. My marriage was suffering and I couldn't see my part in any of this. And then because I still hadn't dealt with anything....all of the emotions, feelings & pain...began manifesting itself physically in my body. Mind, body, spirit...all connected!!! And months before I left for florida the feelings of hopelessness & worthlessness invading my spirit....i no longer wanted to live. It is a miracle I am still clean today and living!!! I did a whole lot of internal work while I was there...felt a wide range of feelings...and was able to accomplish incorporating my "alters" so that we can work as a system. (For more understanding you can always check out the programs website - The Womens Institute of Incorporation Therapy at www.wiit.com ).

I am grateful to be home...grateful for all of the awareness and direction I received...and grateful to feel whole again....just for today. I am grateful for such a loving, supportive, patient husband who allowed me my journey...as painful as it was for both of us...without enabling me and also having the ability to continue to take care of himself throughout this process. Always when we come out of the other side of challenges in our marriage...it becomes stronger and I feel closer. I am grateful that I remain humble enough that after realizing everything....I was able to own my part and make amends to my husband...and that he loves "all of me" as difficult and challenging as that can be at times. We have planned a 9 day trip to Daytona Beach the end of April to celebrate our wedding anniversary of 8 years. I look forward to our time together alone without all of the demands of life. We are back talking, sharing, laughing, joking and it feels so right. I feel as if these past 9 months I was lost...which I did lose a lot of time where I don't remember days, weeks... old survival skills for the "alters"...who have protected me throughout my life. I know this might be confusing for some....but that's okay...i write this for me and my system...for healing and moving forward...to life!

Walk in Beauty

03:24 | Blog it | The Journey Continues

Comments (4)

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	Rama Ananthwrote: Hi, I have come to ur space through the space of Marge.I am so glad u struggled and finally came to the other side. It is an experiance that we all have to go through, and in our journey to wards healing we r always alone.I am happy u r evovled now however truamatic it must have been, and I can imagine how proud ur husband must be feeling.God bless. Rama. 26 July
	Cheryl Mewrote: It has been a while since I saw you around so here I am in your space. YOu will come out ofthis experience as a wiser older woman. Whatever you gain or have gained cannot be taken from you. it will always be with you. Your alters will still do their little show off things to insure you know thwey are there and that is all right. Just think of them as Mr. and Mrs. Yippy Yap. Even with them you will gain internal peace. Keep searching for the techers who will get you closer to peace. 100 residents is a WHOLE lot! Way to must for one person to look after.... 29 Apr.
	Margewrote: Hi, Denise! I am so very, very proud of you for the work you are doing in your efforts to reclaim your life. There are too many people who give lip service to this--including me--saying "I'll do this later" but never actually doing it. You are an inspiration to me; my issues are not as deep or intense as yours, but they get in the way of living, nonetheless. You sent me a beautiful Easter greeting which spoke of renewal and healing. Thank you so much, my friend; I wish you the same. Always, Marge 9 Apr.
	Spirit Womanwrote: bless you .. bless you ... bless you !!!!!! 25 Mar.

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